Tuesday, April 26, 2005

19 Years and Still Glowin'

Somebody get Debbie Boone over to the Ukraine. Stat. There are a few thousand Reds over there that NEED to hear “You Light Up My Life” as today marks the anniversary of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor explosion.
What’s a Cold War without some serious nuclear happenings? C’mon, kids – just think about it and go back to the crazy ‘80’s. That reactor leak gave those repressed Russkies a chance to glow like Olivia Newton John’s leg warmers and run around all willy-nilly like the college grad cocaine-infused NY stock brokers of the time. It was like one big American gift!
Sure, you may say, “D, that’s pretty cold – those people suffered a fate almost worse than those of Hiroshima…” and I would respond with, “OK…”
Sure, there was enough radioactive material spread over there to give Hiroshima their one-time dose over 200 times. And – it might have, well, affected the soil somewhat. I say – they knew the risks! And even if they didn’t – at least they now had something to talk about other than what happened in yesterday’s bread line.
Don’t get all bleeding heart on me. Boo hoo hoo! People got hurt! Boo hoo hoo!
Bah! People survived! I’ll even bet that some mutations occurred, creating one or two genetically altered super-kraines! We may not even know they’re there… It may take two more gene mutations… One more deviation… and bam! There shall rise from the glowing hills a savior! The new Czar! Maybe super advanced intellect, allowing a new Mother Russia, one that will surpass the dominant West, in space, war, or at least able to grow a freaking potato or make a clock radio.
So – back to my point. Let’s help mark the anniversary of the Chernobyl Glow, and go on home and cook up something in our SAFE Asian-made microwave nukers!
Or – check out where YOUR local reactor is, and stay the hell home and slip into something lead-lined.


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