Tuesday, May 18, 2004


Alas! Time has flown! After much pressure from folks – especially Porq - I now make my glorious return to the blog scene. No excuses or reasons for my lack of posts. I don’t want to explain – and therefore by my relative view – you don’t need to know.
I am in certain belief that the world is very much nearing its expiration date. Somebody had best pack up the dogsled and check the label somewheres in the Arctic Circle, ‘cuz this mudball is about to go all bad, and the Big Man will throw us away like the half-eaten bag of Lay’s you left in the cupboard with the snack clip (a.k.a. clothespin) loosely attached.
Now – I ain’t telling everybody to drop to their knees and loudly beat their breasts and lament as the sinners we are (not that it’s that bad of an idea) but in the immortal words of Steve Dallas from Bloom County – “Something must be done.”
Over the past couple of weeks I’ve read the news reports, heard the commercials, the bulletins, the statements – and I think I’m about ready to make some real basic conclusions.
1. Tap water has more character and flavor than John Kerry. I mean – you can taste the chlorine sometimes, maybe some mineral aftertaste, and it’s all about where you are as to what kind of flavor you pick up. But Kerry – this jazbo is floating along, lighter in content than my kids’ birthday balloons. I would love to catch him on the money trail and introduce him to Jesse, my 24-ounce waffle-head framing hammer so I can nail him down to something solid. Welcome to a platform, you semi-liberal vote-sucking apparition.
2. It sucks getting caught. Ok – we are all just plain shocked and appalled by how our kids in uniform were treating the prisoners in that Iraqi Alcatraz of sorts. Yeah – it sucks being humiliated like that. And it shouldn’t be done. I think we should have news conference to publicly add this to the list of things that are bad. And while we’re on that subject – let’s go up a little higher on the list of bad things, or more aptly titled “Things Not To Do”. Hmmm. It would seem that purposely flying a plane full of innocent people into a skyscraper filled with thousands of other innocent people is there. Yup. Supporting an international terrorist organization responsible for the deaths of thousands – there. Despotic leadership of a government that uses death squads to “remove” freethinking individuals – made the list. Quick glance shows murder, rape, maim, theft, arson, insurrection, and couple of others that the inhabitants of that Iraqi prison were there for. I don’t know what I want to do first to finally push me over the edge – go ask a Vietnam POW what kind of treatment he received and whether or not his captors were brought to “justice” or go find the CBS exec that ok’d the mass release of those images and just ask how CBS isn’t held accountable for triggering the recent waves of violence towards Americans, all blatantly derived as responses to the negative media campaign. You don’t think there was a correlation? Let’s go ask some of Nick Berg’s family. I’m sure you can get them to understand that we had to pay a price for making some murderers, thieves and otherwise terrorists feel uncomfortable. I think you get my drift.
3. Michael Moore IS the biggest scumball on the planet. No doubt, I would rather deep fry his twinkie-eatin ass and feed him to a pack of hungry killer whales than support anything that lines his pockets. Him or Spike Lee, the Urban Film Napoleon. At least Eisner had the balls to nix the latest bilge Moore was about unleash on us. Mickey 1, Moore 0. Shame on us for getting that idiot an Oscar.
4. There’s no turning back the clock. Yes – time is in itself a perpetual motion machine, and it’s challenging me on a daily basis to spend time with the kids – while they ARE kids. I don’t know how my parents dealt with it, or still do, because my little monsters haven’t grown up yet and it’s killing me already. It would explain the insanity that my folks have and do display, but it’s only because they’ve cared for too long. I push down on the kids’ heads and tell them I’m trying to keep them from growing up. They laugh and tell me that they can’t wait until they’re big. Yeah – I can’t wait either – that’s why I won’t and I’ll play and read and run and jump and draw and pretend and make funny noises with them NOW.

Bottom line – life isn’t fair. Uncle Roy is heads on right about that. That’s his number one rule. Rule two says deal with it. And that’s the magic. We’re all out there – and we set ourselves apart from the rest of the simians in HOW we deal with it. Oh yeah – his optional third rule? Kids ain’t cheap. Word.