Wednesday, February 22, 2006


There is nothing in this world that can take the place of plastic wrap. I realize this piece of news may come as odd or surprising to the common folk, but indeed, this is pure wisdom as passed to me by my hero of youth, SandwichMan.
Where my fellow classmates would pull from brown bags and trademarked boxes their PBJs and bourgeois cheese slices between bread slices, I would shock and amaze the other gradeschoolers with edible constructs that redefined what should truly be a sandwich. This art of sandwich should come as no surprise, as I have writ this topic in the past. In this case, the sandwich is nothing more than a vehicle for the topic du jour.
How often have we given a gift to a young one, only to have the toy left idle and the tot immersed in the imaginative playland courtesy of the box or packaging the gift came in? The same principle applies to the wondrous sandwiches of my youth. Where the other lunchroom denizens released their fare from zip-locked baggies or garish Tupperware squares, I unpeeled my delicacies from the taut clear grasps of plastic wrap.
This just wasn’t any kind of plastic film, mind you. No, it wasn’t the gaudy colored variety we find in stores today, and it wasn’t the large industrial kitchen sized roll either. Most importantly – it wasn’t the brand name Saran. It was Shop-Rite plastic wrap.
In short, and affectionately called “plassic.”
Decades have come and gone, and I have used the great plassic for any and every kind of wrapping and sealing there is. All kinds of foodstuffs, including uses in the preparation of said foods, were subject to the plassic. And in all this time – the Shop-Rite brand reigned. Until now.
I have just recently come to use a different manufacturer’s roll of wrap, and I find it stronger, easier to rend sizable sheets from the roll, much more manipulative, and best of all – it clings better.
“Heresy! Blasphemy! How can you make such claims?” ah, but I am the Son of SandwichMan, and I know the secrets. And I say – this is a foretold sign of the end of times, as the brand that has beaten our champion is none other than A&P’s America’s Choice. The Four Horsemen ride, and their lunches were wrapped in America’s Choice plassic.
Indeed. I am a converted true believer in that which is plassic and now from A&P. Much like Paul had his personal revelation on the way to Rome, I have become enlightened with the ultimate Pravda in plassic. Try it yourself. Become one with the plassic. Do not use in cribs or as a toy for children under 3 years of age.
The Greater plassic


Blogger Mr. Apropos said...

Doubleplusungood crimethink!

10:54 PM  
Blogger The Life of Bill said...

Hooray Plastic! For more information on all of the wonderful products made from plastic visit your local library or look us up on the web at

10:11 AM  
Blogger Porq said...

How can I use America's Pride if I only shop at SHOP-RITE?

DUH!!!! My cape may be tattered and worn but GOD DAMN SAM It still works when I fly around the kitchen!!!


3:05 PM  

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